Why is it that there are certain people in your life who can tear you down just when you are starting to feel better, to discover for once in your life that you are not trash? That you are treasure! Hah, I am a treasure not trash? Maybe?
But maybe you are the trash. Seems like everyone else believes it too.
Is there some way to keep the controlling manipulative people out of your life? I’d like to know… because it’s not just leaving, they will keep finding you. Keep finding your friends, your coworkers, everyone in your life to let everyone know you are trash. When you know that you’re not. But it doesn’t matter when you are quiet and keep to yourself. It doesn’t matter.
If you want to know what it’s like to be alone in life, have a bully in your life who will take every ounce of worth that you have in your body. Then you’ll know what it’s like to be all alone in this world. To feel like trash.
Because it doesn’t matter who you are. If you are a good person or not. It doesn’t matter. Because if they think you are trash then they will make sure everyone else believes it too.
So I’ll hide in my cup of shame today. Maybe forever.
I really dig the idea of the half head in the coffee cup. Sort of half awake, half there, the idea of being a little there but not really. Wanting to be seen, but also wanting to be unseen. Wanting to be visible, but also invisible. Wanting to get to know others, but also want to be safe and secure in my bubble ( of coffee) away from everyone. Does everyone battle these polarities?
Oh, just creeping around the corner to let you know I’m still here, just being weird and sad lately. Times call you to go inward and reflect on certain things. Certain actions, or patterns you keep seeing turn up in your life. Knowing you can change just by stepping back and thinking. Thinkin’ about things. Thinkin’ ’bout thungs. Thunkin’ ‘boot t’ings. You know, personally I feel intense lately and got to feel it out.
By goin’ on a walk about? …find out, what it’s all about!
Take yourself out for a walk in nature! It has become my favorite weekly ritual, helpful to clear the head and to enjoy nature, of course, but also enjoy my own company. And to be inspired. I guess most people already know this about nature walks and hikes, but I just thought I would share some of my photos. These are mostly taken along the Lanana Creek Trail in my town of Nacogdoches, Texas.
Of Course, I had to begin with the bird sculpture! Caw…Caw!
I did spot a buzzard hanging up on one of the electric poles!
A cloudy sunset!
These were not all taken on the same day, some were in the morning and some in the evening. But yes, even just down the road, maybe even in your own hometown can you find inspiration. Life. Enjoy!
Life is always going to be messy. Total chaos and sadness!
I watched a movie recently where it’s set in a small town by the sea, and everyone is effected by this love letter that was left lying around a bookstore. And people keep finding it and thinking someone wrote it for them. Eventually you find out in the end who wrote it, but it’s an adorable film (adapted by a book by the same title, the Love Letter by Catheline Schine). I just thought the line that the character played by Tom Selleck (spelled his name right?) let me see if I can paraphrase:
Helen: Can you forgive me?
George: Forgive you for what? For being human?
Messy, fucked up…that’s the good stuff, Helen.
I think everyone in the town is living, loving all because of this letter. And messing it all up in the process.
I’m truly dumb. In the heart. But I wish I owned my own bookstore or worked at one.
I don’t think he needs any explanation, his name says everything. How he got the cloud on his head, well, that deserves some attention. And maybe he’ll explain it another day. It’s clearing up though. Perhaps we’ll see his shining face tomorrow?
It’s an unusual half head, not like the other half heads but, we can say that none are alike at all. They all are emerging in their own way, at their own pace and with their own unique voice. This one just happens to be emerging chaotically, maybe it’s a little terrifyin’. I mean it is sometimes.
I cannot take credit for this image I drew but click on the link and learn about Daniel Johnston! It’s been widely used by other artists, musicians and for mental health awareness. I drew this and made copies that I wanted to post around work because it is a stressful time of year for retail workers. And just stressful in general. I think we’re all feeling a little down, unlike ourselves. I feel a current, a shift of change coming for everyone. I don’t know what it is, maybe just the seasons. But yesterday morning I felt compelled to draw this simple, yet tender note. And hope you are all doing okay.
How are you?
I guess I’m just going to keep blogging and flogging words and doodles around. Rootin’ and Tootin’ my own voice.
Some would say, you’re a loser, worthless creature with a dull mind…
Rest assured, a quiet person has mush to say…just words aren’t its outlet.
Communication is not its outlet. But, maybe art is.
I had all my artwork, code mush, stuff I did as a kid, etc. go missing/destroyed. I won’t go into it, and it’s hard to put into words what it feels like to have that all gone, it hits me sometimes and I fall apart. A part of you, an extension, journals too, sketchbooks, they were my outlets, my form of communicating my mushy brain. It’s all gone. All I have left is just crap I doodle here and there because I don’t have the energy or will to do anything else. My brain is literal MUSH. (more BRAINS!)
I know they weren’t good, but at least some of the stuff I did in art school showed potential, until I decided I was not worth a damn and chased after stupid men and stupid friends. and drinking and drugs and shit. That stuff does destroy a mind. i have the proof. I am an idiot, and I used to be pretty smart.
Oh, the woes of regret. And being stupid. And lots of things, that I wish I had never done. What is a life without regret though? A life worth living I think. This life is however, as pointless as a pointless pencil.
And somehow patterns get repeated, and then you realize it wasn’t just being young and stupid, you’re actually just really fucking stupid.
I am starting over at 40 and I break into sobs uncontrollably because it’s not as glamorous as a Eat, Pray Love novel or something. It’s actually horrifying and absurd to have absolutely nothing, NOTHING. I need to be a nobody though. I need to be nothing because seeking validation and the seeking I did just was wrong. I used to just mold myself into whatever was around me. Like an octopus shaping and changing to fit its environment. Just so I didn’t have to show anyone my true self. Now, that everyone knows I am nothing, I’m pretty much a dead pan and I don’t have to please anyone anymore because everyone hates me.
and for the first time in my life I’m okay, okayish, that no one likes me anymore. Because who they liked was the person that would bend over backwards for them, who would be there for them, when no one would ever be there for me. In my darkest, darkest hour, no one but their judgments were there. And I know I don’t reach out to people, I know I don’t know how to speak my true feelings because I’ve always masked them. I’m terrified of them actually. To face yourself is nothing like a self-healing quote, or a self-love instagram meme account, you know what I mean. It’s falling apart. It’s losing it and maybe you have the strength to get back up and sharpen the pointless pencil!!
Code Mush 