With the “brain theme” ending soon, I thought I would end it with the darker side of the brain, the Shame Brain. This may be the opposite side of quirky, squiggly brain. But it’s worth noting.
Shame Brain is just what it means, shame. It means hiding in pure mortification because you’ve made a mistake(s) and especially if it’s coming from a people pleasing/perfectionist brain. Especially if you feel like you do everything wrong and nothing right kind of Brain. It is a dark cloud that shrouds over you…
It’s almost hard to believe you’ll ever achieve success, or do something right/good.
But what’s weird about the brain is it can imagine most of this/all of this because of your shame. And all it is is a dark cloud that will clear soon. And you can go back to being squiggly brain again.
I don’t know how much hiding this brain is actually doing since it clearly looks like a brain (half of a head too) laid flat on the ground, exposed to all! Oh my, exposed. For all to see, its flaws, its squiggly-ness.
Hiding in some grass? You can’t hide any longer, dear brain, you must embrace your flaws and your squiggly-ness because everyone is here and doesn’t seem to mind your brain at all. So come on out of hiding and be your big mushy self!
It’s okay to feel shame, to make mistakes. It’s okay that you’re not like all the others, smart and predictable. Like a heartless robot. No, that’s not you. You forget things, and say things wrong but don’t mean to. Maybe you are just going so fast, so excited to say something it comes out all bibbity, boppity. It gets a little scrambled. That’s okay, we like mush brain. We really do.
Oh, but since you’re out there exposed in some grass, watch out for the zombies. I mean it is Halloween time. On second thought, find a better hiding spot. Hide anyway, you don’t want to get eaten by zombies. I’m sorry I said all those positive reinforcements, now I feel I have gotten you so exposed that zombies are surely going to find you and eat your delicious, beautiful squiggly brain. GET OUT OF THE GRASS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, they’re going to eat you!!
To continue my theme of brains this month, here’s some pumpkiny brains hiding inside pumpkins. For what reason? I don’t know. I guess because it’s Autumn and you’re being hit with a slew of pumpkins continuously until you buy one. So I apologize for bombarding your reading with more pumpkins! But what is October without pumpkins? And in other parts of the world I wonder if you get bombarded with pumpkins in your media and culture? What are your traditions?
The only pumpkin worthy of any recognition at all this year or any year is the Great Pumpkin, everybody knows this. At least I hope you do. He comes once a year and if he has a brain hidden inside him well, maybe it looks something like this. And maybe it’s not squiggly but if it is, maybe it’s Great.
Everyone’s brain is squishy. But is yours squiggly? Squiggly and squishy? I believe mine is. But I can’t really tell lest I open it up, take a peek inside and touch around and see. I think you just have to have an intuition about these things. And squiggly is just another word for silly or floppy right? And floppy with words and mannerisms in every social setting. Maybe even a little dumb when you’re trying to be normal and converse. If this resonates with you then you might have a squiggly brain.
I’ve spent the greater part of the day going over the conversations and the lack of conversations I had this weekend at a social gathering. And I really just worried myself and kicked myself and cried a little.
Then felt guilt and shame and blamed myself for not being a good parent for this and that. And really just blowing it all out of proportion. I don’t even know why except maybe it’s my squiggly brain that’s at fault. Then I think this is probably why I don’t have any friends or close friends for that matter. I start to over analyze even what I’m going to say or act around them. I can’t be authentic. So no one can really get to know me. Because if they did then they would know that squiggly brains aren’t stupid, or awkward. They are some of the best brains around.
And so the theme for the week or for a while is (why! I have never even started themes for any of my blogs)
My brain has been extra floaty today. Floating up and up in a hot air of extraneous mumbo jumbo. This is my attempt at drawing what’s going on in my brain.
Coffee so strong it levitates? My coffee shall not float away from me!
Please explain.
Shouldn’t a strong coffee be weighty, forcefully gravitating towards the bottom of the mug because it’s so dark and strong? Like a chunk of something strong? Hmmm?
Or is it that the caffeine is strong in its essence, thus levitating you into that strong focused mind? … I mean we’re not talking physical properties here. It’s just strong in essence but has a force that only can float away to be tempted by another coffee fanatic. Okay, ahem…makes sense…yeah, I get it. I mean I drew it I’m supposed to get it. Explain it. In mushiness you can only describe mere essences!!
Bwwahhaha you take of it what you will, I’m going to go find my levitating coffee mug!
I like to read at night. Well, really that’s when I get some of my reading in..I would love to read in the early morning hours, and sometimes try and set my alarm a little early to sip succulent coffee and dive into that delicious book. But I’m usually two sips into my coffee and out comes my phone to scroll for a few minutes before I’m either too late or need to get the kids up and at ’em.
Ahh, but if it’s the weekend there’s the lazy-lay- in bed- sip- coffee and read while the sun shines just right, the perfect kind of lighting to read to. And even the boys like to sometimes grab a book or pen and paper first thing in the morning before actually getting up. Let the brain wake up, absorb the quiet. Before they grab their devices (ah, I’m guilty of grabbing mine too) to just let it in.
Sometimes I miss newspapers. Just how you watched your parents or adults sit around the table with it, sipping coffee, chatting about the current events. That is my image of adulthood. Folks getting ready for work sitting and reading the newspaper. That’s all you needed to act like an adult. I’m a millennial, (geriatric millennial to be exact, ugh). But I do remember newspapers. I was there! before you could grab the news on your phone.
I mean I know newspapers are still around but I don’t see people reading them. I see people just glued to a smaller more convenient TV. Nothing wrong with it, but you have too many, too much information now. Right there! and some of it is trash. We all know it. But we read it anyway. And yeah some of the news is so egregious and upsetting, so we like memes to take the edge off of the seemingly expansive, scary information out there.
Well, maybe I’m getting at something. What is the point? Maybe I should find photos of people sitting around the table reading newspapers. A new project that will fizzle at the drop of a hat. Or in this case when I close my computer.
What’s worse is being a piece of poop in real life. Someone who constantly makes mistakes and ruins everything. What’s worse is feeling like poop all the time, whether you exercise or eat right, or do try to do your best. But it will never be good enough. Because deep down you already know that you will always be a piece of poop. So why bother. I guess just let down the facade and show everyone your vulnerability? That you’ve made mistakes and that you’re not perfect? that you wish you could go back and be something else, before you were poop? But you can’t. I don’t think there is anything after you’ve become poop. Maybe you fertilize something, but what if it’s cat poop sitting in a damn litter box? Smelling to high heaven. You’re crap and you know it. End of Mush, it’s just crap, everyone knows it. You use it as a crutch to get people to like you, maybe, I mean that’s what I’ve heard. Make stupid little code mush for people to get my attention, HEY OVER HERE LOOK AT Me! I’m special, like a little kid. I hate myself for having no idea or conscious idea that I was doing that? Or maybe I’m questioning my very existence or the very idea of self-expression/art? Why does anyone do anything?
A GIANT MUSHY POOP. ‘Tis all it is or ever will be.
Code Mush 