This picture sums up the accuracy of what I look like trying to be a good mom and a good person even though I’m screwing it up everyday and have no idea what I’m doing. I want to have the level of security and confidence (and humorous ease) that some people have when it comes to parenthood and life in general. It’s like they knew, planned, have resources, have friends, have that village that they can rely on. Everyone looking out for each other, I don’t know what that feels like. Am I having a pity party over here? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes, but also I’m just mad and envious and all kinds of frustrated. I’m quiety (quiety?…yes) I don’t know how to start small conversations because I don’t know who I am. I spend my time worrying about pleasing people and making them feel at ease and agreeing with what they say, but I do like conversing, I do have a small voice. About the sun, or how your kids are doing.

I think one day I will find the village, when I can tell my husband I am a good person and I can have friends that you can’t control who they are anymore!! when I stop thinking I have to be like everybody else, and worrying about people judging me all the time. And maybe when I don’t think I’m a piece of shit. Or a blob. Maybe I can be a blob and just accept it. Maybe there are other mediocre, monster mom blobs out there. I picture these blobs wobbling to the park with their kids…oh yeah, you’re a weird mom too? Hey, maybe you have a ton of regrets and are on the verge of a nervous breakdown too? I’m here for you too blob, i’m here for you too…