I cannot take credit for this image I drew but click on the link and learn about Daniel Johnston! It’s been widely used by other artists, musicians and for mental health awareness. I drew this and made copies that I wanted to post around work because it is a stressful time of year for retail workers. And just stressful in general. I think we’re all feeling a little down, unlike ourselves. I feel a current, a shift of change coming for everyone. I don’t know what it is, maybe just the seasons. But yesterday morning I felt compelled to draw this simple, yet tender note. And hope you are all doing okay.
How are you?
I guess I’m just going to keep blogging and flogging words and doodles around. Rootin’ and Tootin’ my own voice.
Some would say, you’re a loser, worthless creature with a dull mind…
Rest assured, a quiet person has mush to say…just words aren’t its outlet.
Communication is not its outlet. But, maybe art is.
I had all my artwork, code mush, stuff I did as a kid, etc. go missing/destroyed. I won’t go into it, and it’s hard to put into words what it feels like to have that all gone, it hits me sometimes and I fall apart. A part of you, an extension, journals too, sketchbooks, they were my outlets, my form of communicating my mushy brain. It’s all gone. All I have left is just crap I doodle here and there because I don’t have the energy or will to do anything else. My brain is literal MUSH. (more BRAINS!)
I know they weren’t good, but at least some of the stuff I did in art school showed potential, until I decided I was not worth a damn and chased after stupid men and stupid friends. and drinking and drugs and shit. That stuff does destroy a mind. i have the proof. I am an idiot, and I used to be pretty smart.
Oh, the woes of regret. And being stupid. And lots of things, that I wish I had never done. What is a life without regret though? A life worth living I think. This life is however, as pointless as a pointless pencil.
And somehow patterns get repeated, and then you realize it wasn’t just being young and stupid, you’re actually just really fucking stupid.
I am starting over at 40 and I break into sobs uncontrollably because it’s not as glamorous as a Eat, Pray Love novel or something. It’s actually horrifying and absurd to have absolutely nothing, NOTHING. I need to be a nobody though. I need to be nothing because seeking validation and the seeking I did just was wrong. I used to just mold myself into whatever was around me. Like an octopus shaping and changing to fit its environment. Just so I didn’t have to show anyone my true self. Now, that everyone knows I am nothing, I’m pretty much a dead pan and I don’t have to please anyone anymore because everyone hates me.
and for the first time in my life I’m okay, okayish, that no one likes me anymore. Because who they liked was the person that would bend over backwards for them, who would be there for them, when no one would ever be there for me. In my darkest, darkest hour, no one but their judgments were there. And I know I don’t reach out to people, I know I don’t know how to speak my true feelings because I’ve always masked them. I’m terrified of them actually. To face yourself is nothing like a self-healing quote, or a self-love instagram meme account, you know what I mean. It’s falling apart. It’s losing it and maybe you have the strength to get back up and sharpen the pointless pencil!!
With the “brain theme” ending soon, I thought I would end it with the darker side of the brain, the Shame Brain. This may be the opposite side of quirky, squiggly brain. But it’s worth noting.
Shame Brain is just what it means, shame. It means hiding in pure mortification because you’ve made a mistake(s) and especially if it’s coming from a people pleasing/perfectionist brain. Especially if you feel like you do everything wrong and nothing right kind of Brain. It is a dark cloud that shrouds over you…
It’s almost hard to believe you’ll ever achieve success, or do something right/good.
But what’s weird about the brain is it can imagine most of this/all of this because of your shame. And all it is is a dark cloud that will clear soon. And you can go back to being squiggly brain again.
I don’t know how much hiding this brain is actually doing since it clearly looks like a brain (half of a head too) laid flat on the ground, exposed to all! Oh my, exposed. For all to see, its flaws, its squiggly-ness.
Hiding in some grass? You can’t hide any longer, dear brain, you must embrace your flaws and your squiggly-ness because everyone is here and doesn’t seem to mind your brain at all. So come on out of hiding and be your big mushy self!
It’s okay to feel shame, to make mistakes. It’s okay that you’re not like all the others, smart and predictable. Like a heartless robot. No, that’s not you. You forget things, and say things wrong but don’t mean to. Maybe you are just going so fast, so excited to say something it comes out all bibbity, boppity. It gets a little scrambled. That’s okay, we like mush brain. We really do.
Oh, but since you’re out there exposed in some grass, watch out for the zombies. I mean it is Halloween time. On second thought, find a better hiding spot. Hide anyway, you don’t want to get eaten by zombies. I’m sorry I said all those positive reinforcements, now I feel I have gotten you so exposed that zombies are surely going to find you and eat your delicious, beautiful squiggly brain. GET OUT OF THE GRASS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, they’re going to eat you!!
To continue my theme of brains this month, here’s some pumpkiny brains hiding inside pumpkins. For what reason? I don’t know. I guess because it’s Autumn and you’re being hit with a slew of pumpkins continuously until you buy one. So I apologize for bombarding your reading with more pumpkins! But what is October without pumpkins? And in other parts of the world I wonder if you get bombarded with pumpkins in your media and culture? What are your traditions?
The only pumpkin worthy of any recognition at all this year or any year is the Great Pumpkin, everybody knows this. At least I hope you do. He comes once a year and if he has a brain hidden inside him well, maybe it looks something like this. And maybe it’s not squiggly but if it is, maybe it’s Great.
Everyone’s brain is squishy. But is yours squiggly? Squiggly and squishy? I believe mine is. But I can’t really tell lest I open it up, take a peek inside and touch around and see. I think you just have to have an intuition about these things. And squiggly is just another word for silly or floppy right? And floppy with words and mannerisms in every social setting. Maybe even a little dumb when you’re trying to be normal and converse. If this resonates with you then you might have a squiggly brain.
I’ve spent the greater part of the day going over the conversations and the lack of conversations I had this weekend at a social gathering. And I really just worried myself and kicked myself and cried a little.
Then felt guilt and shame and blamed myself for not being a good parent for this and that. And really just blowing it all out of proportion. I don’t even know why except maybe it’s my squiggly brain that’s at fault. Then I think this is probably why I don’t have any friends or close friends for that matter. I start to over analyze even what I’m going to say or act around them. I can’t be authentic. So no one can really get to know me. Because if they did then they would know that squiggly brains aren’t stupid, or awkward. They are some of the best brains around.
And so the theme for the week or for a while is (why! I have never even started themes for any of my blogs)
My brain has been extra floaty today. Floating up and up in a hot air of extraneous mumbo jumbo. This is my attempt at drawing what’s going on in my brain.
Coffee so strong it levitates? My coffee shall not float away from me!
Please explain.
Shouldn’t a strong coffee be weighty, forcefully gravitating towards the bottom of the mug because it’s so dark and strong? Like a chunk of something strong? Hmmm?
Or is it that the caffeine is strong in its essence, thus levitating you into that strong focused mind? … I mean we’re not talking physical properties here. It’s just strong in essence but has a force that only can float away to be tempted by another coffee fanatic. Okay, ahem…makes sense…yeah, I get it. I mean I drew it I’m supposed to get it. Explain it. In mushiness you can only describe mere essences!!
Bwwahhaha you take of it what you will, I’m going to go find my levitating coffee mug!
I like to read at night. Well, really that’s when I get some of my reading in..I would love to read in the early morning hours, and sometimes try and set my alarm a little early to sip succulent coffee and dive into that delicious book. But I’m usually two sips into my coffee and out comes my phone to scroll for a few minutes before I’m either too late or need to get the kids up and at ’em.
Ahh, but if it’s the weekend there’s the lazy-lay- in bed- sip- coffee and read while the sun shines just right, the perfect kind of lighting to read to. And even the boys like to sometimes grab a book or pen and paper first thing in the morning before actually getting up. Let the brain wake up, absorb the quiet. Before they grab their devices (ah, I’m guilty of grabbing mine too) to just let it in.
Sometimes I miss newspapers. Just how you watched your parents or adults sit around the table with it, sipping coffee, chatting about the current events. That is my image of adulthood. Folks getting ready for work sitting and reading the newspaper. That’s all you needed to act like an adult. I’m a millennial, (geriatric millennial to be exact, ugh). But I do remember newspapers. I was there! before you could grab the news on your phone.
I mean I know newspapers are still around but I don’t see people reading them. I see people just glued to a smaller more convenient TV. Nothing wrong with it, but you have too many, too much information now. Right there! and some of it is trash. We all know it. But we read it anyway. And yeah some of the news is so egregious and upsetting, so we like memes to take the edge off of the seemingly expansive, scary information out there.
Well, maybe I’m getting at something. What is the point? Maybe I should find photos of people sitting around the table reading newspapers. A new project that will fizzle at the drop of a hat. Or in this case when I close my computer.
Code Mush 