Of course I would incorporate a heron in my birthday card this year. I wouldn’t expect anything else. Or anything more..

Let me tell you, the year went by fast yet I grew like it was decades ago and I mean I grew tremendously. In ways I didn’t think I could. It almost feels a mourning phase, or something. So many shedding and letting go of the old versions of myself…

First letting go of the life I wanted when I was married. That in itself was a shattering death blow. So many mistakes I had to confront, so much accountability I had to accept..and we divorced two years ago. But the grief had hit me hardest this year. Because I had to face myself. I had to look at my kids and see the pain I caused and the new routines, not wanting to accept it..the wall that’s been built knowing there is a separate life they lead wth their Dad I do not share. It hurts, I want to be there to share it. But I relish when they return and tell me the things they did and the relationship with their Dad is stronger and more secure because he’s happier..that’s all that matters. That something good did come out of the mess we made.

But sometimes the tears just flow, the emotions just can’t be contained anymore. I hope for the best every day. His birthday is the day after mine and I’m so used to not really caring about mine but celebrating his. So I still do but quietly. And I’ll get to hope that it’s better. That he’s better and I didn’t ruin his life.

I didn’t ruin everyone’s life. I hope everything gets better. Too much pain in this world and I sometimes take it in too much… ugh.

Well it better be a good year. More weirdo birdos. More mushy doodles. More killer playlists..maybe a social life ? Hah, I’m good being obscure. The quiet unassuming mushiest person is fine. I’m happiest that way.