It’s an unusual half head, not like the other half heads but, we can say that none are alike at all. They all are emerging in their own way, at their own pace and with their own unique voice. This one just happens to be emerging chaotically, maybe it’s a little terrifyin’. I mean it is sometimes.
Slowly but surely I will rise, be able to speak but as it is I am a half head and lack the voice. The voice it isn’t there, must, need to find it authentically!
Coffee do your thang. A jittered jumble of jabbered words perhaps, well it’s a start. Finding authentic voice through mumbled mush. Morsh.
Goodnight.
CM
I am referring to this doodle
I’ve been doodling a lot of half heads lately. The theme after brains? Half heads! and now…the other half. You won’t see much of the other half but here’s one. Here’s to Half Heads and feeling like half a person or hiding half yourself. Yeah, that’s more like it.
CM
I cannot take credit for this image I drew but click on the link and learn about Daniel Johnston! It’s been widely used by other artists, musicians and for mental health awareness. I drew this and made copies that I wanted to post around work because it is a stressful time of year for retail workers. And just stressful in general. I think we’re all feeling a little down, unlike ourselves. I feel a current, a shift of change coming for everyone. I don’t know what it is, maybe just the seasons. But yesterday morning I felt compelled to draw this simple, yet tender note. And hope you are all doing okay.
How are you?
I guess I’m just going to keep blogging and flogging words and doodles around. Rootin’ and Tootin’ my own voice.
-CM
Or lack there of…
Some would say, you’re a loser, worthless creature with a dull mind…
Rest assured, a quiet person has mush to say…just words aren’t its outlet.
Communication is not its outlet. But, maybe art is.
I had all my artwork, code mush, stuff I did as a kid, etc. go missing/destroyed. I won’t go into it, and it’s hard to put into words what it feels like to have that all gone, it hits me sometimes and I fall apart. A part of you, an extension, journals too, sketchbooks, they were my outlets, my form of communicating my mushy brain. It’s all gone. All I have left is just crap I doodle here and there because I don’t have the energy or will to do anything else. My brain is literal MUSH. (more BRAINS!)
I know they weren’t good, but at least some of the stuff I did in art school showed potential, until I decided I was not worth a damn and chased after stupid men and stupid friends. and drinking and drugs and shit. That stuff does destroy a mind. i have the proof. I am an idiot, and I used to be pretty smart.
Oh, the woes of regret. And being stupid. And lots of things, that I wish I had never done. What is a life without regret though? A life worth living I think. This life is however, as pointless as a pointless pencil.
And somehow patterns get repeated, and then you realize it wasn’t just being young and stupid, you’re actually just really fucking stupid.
I am starting over at 40 and I break into sobs uncontrollably because it’s not as glamorous as a Eat, Pray Love novel or something. It’s actually horrifying and absurd to have absolutely nothing, NOTHING. I need to be a nobody though. I need to be nothing because seeking validation and the seeking I did just was wrong. I used to just mold myself into whatever was around me. Like an octopus shaping and changing to fit its environment. Just so I didn’t have to show anyone my true self. Now, that everyone knows I am nothing, I’m pretty much a dead pan and I don’t have to please anyone anymore because everyone hates me.
and for the first time in my life I’m okay, okayish, that no one likes me anymore. Because who they liked was the person that would bend over backwards for them, who would be there for them, when no one would ever be there for me. In my darkest, darkest hour, no one but their judgments were there. And I know I don’t reach out to people, I know I don’t know how to speak my true feelings because I’ve always masked them. I’m terrified of them actually. To face yourself is nothing like a self-healing quote, or a self-love instagram meme account, you know what I mean. It’s falling apart. It’s losing it and maybe you have the strength to get back up and sharpen the pointless pencil!!
With the “brain theme” ending soon, I thought I would end it with the darker side of the brain, the Shame Brain. This may be the opposite side of quirky, squiggly brain. But it’s worth noting.
Shame Brain is just what it means, shame. It means hiding in pure mortification because you’ve made a mistake(s) and especially if it’s coming from a people pleasing/perfectionist brain. Especially if you feel like you do everything wrong and nothing right kind of Brain. It is a dark cloud that shrouds over you…
It’s almost hard to believe you’ll ever achieve success, or do something right/good.
But what’s weird about the brain is it can imagine most of this/all of this because of your shame. And all it is is a dark cloud that will clear soon. And you can go back to being squiggly brain again.
Code Mush 