Just Waddling Through Life
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Monthly Archives: May 2022
fake mozzarella
I made a vegan pizza! Yes, with some already made vegan pizza crust I bought from the store, added some sauce, arugula and spinach, and fake mozzarella. I had a hard time getting over the fake mozzarella as I am a lover of cheese. ooey, gooey mozzarella really does make a pizza so it was hard to overcome the lack of gooeyness this pizza had. Taste and texture wise just bleh. I am trying. I have gone vegan before in my teenage years, but there were not as many options available for plant based items like there are now. and I was kind of unhealthy in weight, under weight that is, and was very self conscious about my weight (go figure, a self conscious nut job). I really am not trying to lose weight as I am really just wanting to feel better. Feel better about my self image (that “cinnamon roll for my fat rolls” put downs have got to go), have more energy and keep up with my kids. I’ve always loved cooking with veggies because of my grandmother and my father who always helped me learn to cook my own food. If I were going to be vegan I had to learn to make it myself, since no one would join the vegan bandwagon with me back then. So I bestow a heaping veggie gratitude (and mush love) to them. They have passed on, and they still continue to guide me through life with what they’ve taught me. So I must keep on vegging on, and hope that this will instill some veggie love to my kids. I do realize I have enabled their bad habits and I want to be better. It’s hard as a working mom, a tired and stressed mom, and just overall invisible self to come out and teach others, how to live and how to be a good human when I think of myself as barely a person. It’s sad, but if you knew me you would say “such a quiet, reserved person..she really could blend into the walls that one.” and it’s sad but a lot of people prefer me to be that way. Or just used to it, because they can kind of make up their own narrative about me, so they see me as how they would like me to be. And combined with being a super ultra people pleasing prat, I just don’t know how to defend my true honest self without even knowing or how to aim to show that to anyone. So I guess this is my way of coming out of my shell, through words, art and…well, here I am. Ta da…
-CM
Mush Log(s) 🪵
I think writing on paper is so messy, informal and unstructured that when I write it in here I sound different. I am writing in my journal for myself but when I start to write in here I change it up for an audience? Does that make sense? It’s not as care free. It gets filtered through my self consciousness and we all know that I get too self conscious. I’ve deleted many things and made myself feel ashamed for what I’ve written and I do it all the time. It’s a problem. So yes I know…
I also think my attention span is short and it has not always been that way. I think it’s the smart phone. As it has replaced so much in our lives that is is making us duller, unable to retain memory, and of course it’s addicting! I think the process of writing every day ON PAPER, WITH PEN AND WITHOUT THE PHONE within reach is a start to break free from the devices that are essentially making our brains weak!!! We can’t focus anymore, only on short 5 minute ideas, until our brain flips to something else. Just like we flip to the next video or content! I’m serious this is a problem! Does anyone else feel this way?
Anyway, just thought I’d begin with that. Ahem, if you remember last summer the Summer of Pasta and all the wonderful joys of eating, I’ve decided to continue the tradition but with a more healthy conscience. I think that with a new revolution around the sun and approaching 40, I need to make better choices. I’ve sat around doing blah for far too long and well, you know, it’s now or never. So another summer of pasta 🍝 but better! with less negativity hopefully, less criticism, stop with the put downs! So more pasta is on the way just thought you’d like to know.
Mush Log, May 21st
Moon laying next to me on the couch. How do I get up to feed the snake? I left the mouse warming in some water and that snake is HANGRY. He was eye ballin’ me hard when I came to disturb him and didn’t have a snack!
I’m back at it again, writing and making some progress! Progress is progress. And I won’t beat myself up if I get off track (which you know is bound to happen, the lazy 🦥 procrastinator that I am (What emoji is that? it gave me a predictive emoji for lazy. It looks like a face rolled up in some trash).
My coffee got cold. Damn. I really need to get up. This cat has been out all night prowling and she’s asleep next to me? She’s going to be eye ballin’ me next if I move!
I just realized I left my online grocery shopping unattended on the computer. I’m still not done yet, and starting to go veg is so expensive. It’s not going to fit in our budget. What does these days? The same ol’ shit I get every week is even starting to cost too much. I found some ridiculously good coupons and used those to my advantage. A lot of this will stretch for two weeks so not that bad. I didn’t have to delete the nondairy products I wanted either. I know I didn’t sound so serious and was flakey yesterday about it, but I do need to take my health seriously. I’m a tired, pathetic, sad version of myself. Who waddles (I said waddles) in self-pity (note to self: draw self portrait waddling), who is so mediocre and invisible. I’ve been a wallflower before the Wallflowers became popular with that one song, “One Headlight.” Who at this age still manages to stay invisible? I don’t want my kids to go through life feeling they have to hide who they are because of their fear of people, and what people will think?
I WANT TO SEE THEM SHINE
I want to see them shine so bright! Because they are so damn incredible!! And here I am, a mom just waddling (I know it’s wallowing but I’m waddling here) through life going no where. I don’t want them to follow in my footsteps or become the lazy good-for-nothing shit bag I am. I’ve got to change! Perhaps first with the way I think!
Mush Entry Log, Friday, May 20
I have a cat in my lap and the tea kettle is whistling. What should I do?
I’ve spent 30 minutes staring at my phone and not writing. I’m trying to get in the habit of writing everyday instead of MINDLESSLY SCROLLING.
And drawing everyday which is what I’ve been doing with the boys before school, but since schools out for the summer (queue Alice Cooper) will there be less drawing going on? NO, I’ll draw in here and still draw them something every day too 😉
We’re going swimming later!!
Haircuts need to happen this weekend too. Summer cuts, feeling fabulous. We definitely should.
Told myself to GO VEGAN again. And guess what? Been vegan since yesterday (hah…hah..hah, I’ll get back with you on my progress). Keep it up!! To feeling great and fabulous. I turned 39 the other day and I feel like I’m 39 going on 79…I have absolutely no energy, or will to live. My knees be quakey, my feet be shakey. My back…be achey.
Can you tell I’ve had copious amounts of coffee? Yes sir’eee!
Code Mush 